What makes people try? What makes people pick themselves up and keep going? Why face that potential rejection at all? Why?
I think it’s hope. It’s that little voice that says, “One more time.” It’s the mantra that you are not a quitter and today is not that day.
Sometimes, your inner drive is an amazing thing. It keeps people running marathons and performing science experiments. It also keeps people in to thinking that maybe if they do one thing different, this other person will like me. It can rob people of their free will without them even realizing it. It can turn them in to obsessed zombies if they aren’t careful.
Apparently, I am wired that way. I am predisposed to wrap myself mentally around someone and exhaust myself mentally once I’ve come to the emotional conclusion they they will never like me. I also know that not once have I ever had concrete proof that they didn’t like me. I just assume because I know how I am and what I look like. It’s an extraordinarily vicious circle.
I have no self-esteem and therefore no one wants to be even near someone who can’t look at herself with pride in the mirror. But I also don’t want someone to take pity on me, which is what I feel would have to happen. I’m in such a hopeless cycle I’m not sure I’ll ever get out of it. And my imagination is so outlandish that I can dream up anything at all and make myself believe it’s true because, when I close my eyes, it looks like it could be. I’m not sure there’s anything more internally painful than the unreachable dreams your mind comes up with.