If there is one word to describe my entire life thus far, the word careful would be rather accurate. I’m undecided whether this is a good or bad thing.
I’ve just finished watching the movie “Me Before You”. I don’t recommend it. Not because it’s bad, not at all. It’s because the movie completely rips your heart out. Never has a movie made me want to withdraw fully and completely from society than that movie has. Don’t fall in love. Don’t form lasting friendships. Don’t invest in yourself. Don’t open yourself up to anyone. Ever.
Every once in a while, I’ll attempt to dip my toe in the dating pool. As soon as I get even close getting an entire foot in, something happens that compels me to yank it back out. Something about this movie makes me want to get out, drain the pool, and fill it with cement. I can’t be tempted to try again if the option isn’t even there. I can’t get hurt if there’s no water I could drown in.
Maybe this seems crazy. But I’m so tired. So tired of being told how great of a person I am, how beautiful I am on the inside, and how I don’t need a man to validate me. And all of those are right. I’m just going to be all of those things alone. I would rather be alone than continue to have friends die on me, be told I’m “such a great friend” over and over, potentially have a guy cheat on me, fall in love only to watch that person fall out of love with me, and the worst of all, be in love with someone who dies before I do. I’m not going to do it. I’m not.
Love is for those who are stronger than I am. Who are not as afraid as I am. I just want to live in a small apartment with my books, movies, and a few cats. The guy at the desk at my local gym will recognize me occasionally but we won’t have spoken at length. The empty seats in a dark movie theatre will be my friends. We can share popcorn. They’ll never talk during the show either. Maybe I’ll continue to play softball, but I’ll never hang out before or after the game. I’d have to talk about myself. My Facebook page will gather dust. My Instagram and Twitter accounts will slowly fold in on themselves, the lack of posts contributing to their collapse. I have nothing to say. Walks in the local park will be my social life. The trees will nod and wave in the breeze as I walk past. Safe.
Careful. This could be me one day.